A Long List of Things I Miss

i miss greenery and sitting in hilly fields on a cold day.
i cried from the cold and the thought of you as i looked at the crystal palace cell tower
i miss my red nose in the cold as the sky turned purple and then darker until black

i miss the quietness of the streets nearby where no one was walking and i felt at ease in its silence
i miss the smell of the street i would cycle down on the way back from telegraph hill and the way the trees curved over the road

i miss my friends and i miss staying up all night talking nonsense with daisy and forgetting most it by the morning but the fact it happened was all that mattered because i know we had a fun time

i miss when something went horribly wrong and i was sad and i would tell blue and joe and they would speak to me and blue would always ask to have me over if it made me feel better and even if i didn't go it was nice to know

i miss having sex and getting sweaty and then putting my suit back on and running out into the darkness even though it wasn't that late and feeling the cold breeze and the way my suit stuck to my skin and my hair was all messed up

i miss having a pizza every saturday and the debate as to where to get it from whether i wanted the ease of one from asda or to trek to iceland and get the one i really wanted the hot dog stuffed crust cheese one

i miss the option of being able to leave the city and knowing where to go depending on how i was feeling and also knowing that there was somewhere i could stay if it really came to it

i miss sandra and george and their lovely little place where i stayed when asha told me she didn't actually love me or that she couldn't love me and that it wouldn't work and i knew it deep down but i really did love her and she loved me too so i didn't want to admit it i really wanted things to work but they couldn't and that's okay sandra and george made me forget all that at least for a moment and made me feel really good again and the beer and the wine helped too

i miss first dates and all the anticipation of them like when i met megan for the first technically second time and i knew i was going away to new york but she didn't and when i was waiting for her outside peckham station i almost threw up but didn't and we had a nice time and i felt bad after because i couldn't see her again because i knew it couldn't work certainly not now and maybe i should've been better to her but i'm always so scared a bad excuse i know

i miss when i was really ill last christmas and i was working every day for 10 days and would come home from shifts to my small room into a bed i didn't really fit in and shiver all night and wake up and do the same thing over and over again but my family were there and the weather was that sort of cold that you can only feel at christmas

i remember when i had just turned 18 and kept a bottle of honey jack daniel's under my bed and would occasionally drink a little sip but i was really careful not to drink it every night and showed a lot of constraint and now i want to drink a lot all the time but i show that same constraint because i'm just as scared then as i am now

i still don't remember what i said to you that night i left everyone to come and speak to you and i was black out drunk and i needed you i'm not sure why or maybe i just missed you but i was sad and all i remember was you saying 'what do you expect me to do just say i love you?' and i think i choked up something along the lines of no and walked home and i don't think i spoke to you again for a few months and now we don't speak at all

i miss the cold breeze when cycling from the top of beech hill down to my house being quite careful with the breaks but sometimes just letting go and flying as fast as i could sometimes slightly tipsy and it was the one of the few times i felt i could take in a full breath with ease

i miss my mothers homemade roast dinner that we would have every sunday and the occasional times when we would play best and worst of the week and we would all try and be funny and i hate that we never say i love you to one another and i think it's why i say it all the time to my friends but never lovers and i do have so much love to give and i hated that year where i forgot how to love and i couldn't even receive it and the night before i left to new york where amy said goodbye to me and didn't say she loved me but said it to my brother and at the airport where i wanted to say i love you to you both my parents but i just couldn't

i miss having a place where i could cry as loud as i wanted and even if i thought my flatmates could hear me it didn't matter as their lack of acknowledgement felt more comforting than if they had acknowledged it

and to even miss any of this i know i am so lucky to have felt anything at all and when i left london i felt dead but now i'm here i am so very thankful to be alive again

and in the end i'll miss here and all the lovely people i've met and the way the sunset hits the sides of the tall buildings and the constant gigging and the feeling of newness you can only experience living in a new country and i'm sure i'll even miss the busyness the never sleeping city the disgusting shit stained and rat infested streets because i don’t know when i’ll die and be revived again waking up to feel the way i do now